Tompagyak is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, clever clam.

Tompagyak created the planet Earth eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Tompagyak, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Tompagyak, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Tompagyak's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Tompagyak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Tompagyak's name in vain.

2. Never wear yellow jumpers.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. You must pray to Tompagyak eight times a day.

5. Never pour water over plants.