Xemgatquill is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, merciless seal.

Xemgatquill created the Small Magellanic Cloud four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Xemgatquill, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Xemgatquill, she will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Xemgatquill's most sacred site is Kottucherry in India.

Xemgatquill's Holy Commandments

1. Xemgatquill must be the most important thing in your life.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Xemgatquill.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Xemgatquill loves grasshopers, so they must be honoured.

5. Do not eat aubergines.