Nartvedbess is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, narcissistic dove.

Nartvedbess created the universe nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Nartvedbess, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Nartvedbess, he will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Nartvedbess' most sacred site is Turckheim in France.

Nartvedbess' Holy Commandments

1. Do not eat gooseberries.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Never feed lots of spinach to bats while wearing purple jumpers.

4. Do not fashion models of living things.

5. Fast once a month.