Ham is a god.

He takes the form of a very long, witless raccoon.

Ham created humanity four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ham, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Ham, he will refuse to believe in you.

Ham's most sacred site is Qantir in Egypt.

Ham's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about chromosomes.

2. You must love Ham.

3. You must pray to Ham nine times a day.

4. Feed all hungry dolphins.

5. Erect a giant mauve sculpture of Ham in the centre of the settlement.