Xucgoftim is a god.

It takes the form of a slender, selfish turtle.

Xucgoftim created humanity six million years ago.

If you believe in Xucgoftim, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Xucgoftim, it will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Xucgoftim's most sacred site is Katballe in Denmark.

Xucgoftim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not eat strawberries.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never think ill of sick seals.

4. Always help hamsters.

5. Never bounce in the presence of rats.