Taffentarp is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, unthoughtful tapir.

Taffentarp created dark energy two years ago.

If you believe in Taffentarp, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Taffentarp, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Taffentarp's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Taffentarp's Holy Commandments

1. Do not jump in public.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Never write about black holes.

5. Do not drink water in red rooms.