Jamzanfumfet Pakgabbiss is a god.

He takes the form of a minute, weak jaguar.

Jamzanfumfet Pakgabbiss created parasitic wasps five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jamzanfumfet Pakgabbiss, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Jamzanfumfet Pakgabbiss, he will send two she bears to sort you out.

Jamzanfumfet Pakgabbiss' most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Jamzanfumfet Pakgabbiss' Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about dark energy.

2. Never talk about archaea.

3. Always obey Jamzanfumfet Pakgabbiss' priests.

4. Paint representations of asteroids on the walls of your dwelling place in violet.

5. Jamzanfumfet Pakgabbiss loves tortoises, so they must be respected.