Yartapstaf is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, selfish octopus.

Yartapstaf created the universe five billion years ago.

If you believe in Yartapstaf, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Yartapstaf, she will be mildly annoyed.

Yartapstaf's most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Yartapstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about archaea.

2. Always help moths.

3. Do not drink water in orange rooms.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Never look in ponds.