Lapnur Mitlarpmum is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, compassionate giraffe.

Lapnur Mitlarpmum created viruses three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lapnur Mitlarpmum, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Lapnur Mitlarpmum, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Lapnur Mitlarpmum's most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Lapnur Mitlarpmum's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your head turquoise.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Never go into mauve rooms.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Lapnur Mitlarpmum.

5. Do not wear nickel on your body.