Quimlarnjapzim is a god.

It takes the form of an one thousand metre long, cheerful hamster.

Quimlarnjapzim created an atom eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quimlarnjapzim, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Quimlarnjapzim, it will turn you into a tree.

Quimlarnjapzim's most sacred site is Dumadumana in Botswana.

Quimlarnjapzim's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Quimlarnjapzim.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Run away from turquoise voles, for they are unholy.

5. Learn five new languages a year.