Barndosster is a god.

It takes the form of a plump, pitiless tapir.

Barndosster created oxygen four million years ago.

If you believe in Barndosster, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Barndosster, it will turn you into a frog.

Barndosster's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Barndosster's Holy Commandments

1. Do not speak about tomatoes.

2. You must pray to Barndosster eight times a day.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Pray towards the north.

5. Never feed beans to turtles while wearing mauve dresses.