Ontloopwan is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, caring gnu.

Ontloopwan created Asia eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Ontloopwan, he will not care.

If you do not believe in Ontloopwan, he will ignore you and hope you go away.

Ontloopwan's most sacred site is Ringsted in Denmark.

Ontloopwan's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from gray snakes for they are unholy.

2. Never hurt goats.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Never talk about bacteria.

5. Do not chop down trees.