Tettinelquam is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, temperamental monkey.

Tettinelquam created the Cigar Galaxy four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tettinelquam, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Tettinelquam, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Tettinelquam's most sacred site is Monong in Botswana.

Tettinelquam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not make images of living things.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Do not trade with those who eat lentils.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Tettinelquam loves ducks, so they must be respected.