Bastafjap is a god.

She takes the form of a very small, self-confident mole.

Bastafjap created a charm quark seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Bastafjap, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Bastafjap, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Bastafjap's most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Bastafjap's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Always help pigs.

5. Always look after injured dogs.