Boportlik is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, staggering faun.

Boportlik created snails seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Boportlik, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Boportlik, she will attempt to scare you with lightening.

Boportlik's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Boportlik's Holy Commandments

1. Always help manatees.

2. Cats are not to be trusted.

3. Never feed tomatoes to dolphins while wearing indigo tights.

4. Show mercy to disobedient children.

5. Never write about photosynthesis.