Quartyartrulpan is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, thoughtless rat.

Quartyartrulpan created humankind five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartyartrulpan, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Quartyartrulpan, she will send you a strongly worded letter.

Quartyartrulpan's most sacred site is Ronda in Spain.

Quartyartrulpan's Holy Commandments

1. Always look after injured dolphins.

2. Erect a giant lead sculpture of Quartyartrulpan in the centre of the settlement.

3. Erect eight gold sculptures of Quartyartrulpan on top of important buildings.

4. Never talk about quantum field theory near ducks while wearing green skirts.

5. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.