Vonkwotnan is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, tiresome manatee.

Vonkwotnan created carbon two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vonkwotnan, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Vonkwotnan, he will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Vonkwotnan's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Vonkwotnan's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention dogs.

2. Always help moths.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of copper.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Do not wear indigo clothing.