Laparmkar is a god.

She takes the form of a very thin, astonishing squid.

Laparmkar created an up quark six billion years ago.

If you believe in Laparmkar, she will not care.

If you do not believe in Laparmkar, she will turn you into a snail.

Laparmkar's most sacred site is Questenberg in Germany.

Laparmkar's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Never talk about gravity.

3. Paint representations of moons on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Never feed aubergines to turtles while wearing orange trousers.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.