Somquaffoss is a god.

It takes the form of a slim, all-powerful donkey.

Somquaffoss created a down quark seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Somquaffoss, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Somquaffoss, it will send you a sign.

Somquaffoss' most sacred site is Landsort in Sweden.

Somquaffoss' Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Learn seven new languages a year.

4. Never think ill of sick snails.

5. Never eat bark.