Fumkipyog is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, dishonourable narwhal.

Fumkipyog created a top quark two billion years ago.

If you believe in Fumkipyog, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Fumkipyog, she will turn you into a frog.

Fumkipyog's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Fumkipyog's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry grasshopers.

2. Do not keep nine snails in a large pit.

3. Run away from yellow swans, for they are unholy.

4. Never talk about dark energy near aardvarks while wearing orange stockings.

5. Respect your elders.