Tomguncid Tarptimstik is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, stupid jaguar.

Tomguncid Tarptimstik created the planet Jupiter nine million years ago.

If you believe in Tomguncid Tarptimstik, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Tomguncid Tarptimstik, she will send you a strongly worded letter.

Tomguncid Tarptimstik's most sacred site is Kottucherry in India.

Tomguncid Tarptimstik's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Never feed coconuts to tapirs while wearing orange stockings.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Never play with disobedient children.