Quamvonkpak Lanvedbissgem is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, clever dugong.

Quamvonkpak Lanvedbissgem created the Cigar Galaxy three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Quamvonkpak Lanvedbissgem, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Quamvonkpak Lanvedbissgem, he will turn you into a puffin.

Quamvonkpak Lanvedbissgem's most sacred site is Pisterzo in Italy.

Quamvonkpak Lanvedbissgem's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Quamvonkpak Lanvedbissgem.

2. Never think about quantum field theory near turtles while wearing pink stockings and balancing eight silver spheres on your neck.

3. Never write about chromosomes.

4. Never hurt birds.

5. Never write about the strong nuclear force.