Narkanwik is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, almighty dog.

Narkanwik created gold seven million years ago.

If you believe in Narkanwik, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Narkanwik, he will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Narkanwik's most sacred site is Bogogobo in Botswana.

Narkanwik's Holy Commandments

1. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

2. Learn six new languages a year.

3. Put Narkanwik first in all things.

4. Walk at least five thousand metres per day.

5. Paint representations of stars on the walls of your dwelling place in purple.