Hapcarflap is a god.

She takes the form of a huge, smart newt.

Hapcarflap created Mount Everest three billion years ago.

If you believe in Hapcarflap, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Hapcarflap, she will not care.

Hapcarflap's most sacred site is Manja in Madagascar.

Hapcarflap's Holy Commandments

1. Never think ill of sick dogs.

2. You must never eat figs.

3. Erect seven nickel sculptures of Hapcarflap on top of important buildings.

4. Always treat shrews with great respect.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.