Lapvagquam is a god.

He takes the form of a four thousand metre long, all-powerful monkey.

Lapvagquam created a bottom quark eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lapvagquam, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Lapvagquam, he will turn you into a mouse.

Lapvagquam's most sacred site is Insel in Germany.

Lapvagquam's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about bacteria.

2. Erect a large nickel sculpture of Lapvagquam on top of all buildings.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Run away if four pigs approach from the west.

5. Never talk about ultrasonics near dolphins while wearing cyan boots.