Dutjatveen is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, bad-tempered cow.

Dutjatveen created time and space nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Dutjatveen, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Dutjatveen, he will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Dutjatveen's most sacred site is Quellendorf in Germany.

Dutjatveen's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about gulls.

2. Always help sick dogs.

3. Do not bounce in public.

4. Never hop in holy places.

5. Always wear brown.