Tarpontcum Padcibrow is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, awe-inspiring human.

Tarpontcum Padcibrow created silver four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarpontcum Padcibrow, he will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Tarpontcum Padcibrow, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Tarpontcum Padcibrow's most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Tarpontcum Padcibrow's Holy Commandments

1. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Tarpontcum Padcibrow.

3. Never talk about the strong nuclear force near monkeys while wearing brown corsets and balancing five platinum spheres on your face.

4. Do not kill rats.

5. Do not wear tin on your body.