Lakkonvan is a god.

He takes the form of a four hundred metre long, selfish goose.

Lakkonvan created a quark two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lakkonvan, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Lakkonvan, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Lakkonvan's most sacred site is Grimme in Germany.

Lakkonvan's Holy Commandments

1. Put Lakkonvan first in all things.

2. Do not wear titanium on your body.

3. Always take life seriously.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate ants.

5. Never talk about asteroids.