Lagbagtab is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, slow dolphin.

Lagbagtab created water five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lagbagtab, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Lagbagtab, he will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Lagbagtab's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Lagbagtab's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never wear skirts.

3. Always stare at clouds.

4. Never think about the strong nuclear force near grasshopers while wearing blue scarves and balancing eight carbon spheres on your neck.

5. Never think ill of sick squirrels.