Jonsakkem is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, intelligent aardvark.

Jonsakkem created bats nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Jonsakkem, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Jonsakkem, he will laugh at you.

Jonsakkem's most sacred site is Outchimedu in India.

Jonsakkem's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Always wear magenta.

3. Do not speak about oranges.

4. Never talk about spacetime near aardvarks while wearing red shoes and balancing three titanium spheres on your feet.

5. Feed all hungry hamsters.