Gofappquaggon is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, prudent gorilla.

Gofappquaggon created life five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gofappquaggon, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Gofappquaggon, she will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Gofappquaggon's most sacred site is Miiluranta in Finland.

Gofappquaggon's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention capybaras.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Gofappquaggon.

3. Never feed aubergines to bats while wearing shirts.

4. Learn five new languages a year.

5. Never wear kilts.