Laktalquart is a god.

It takes the form of a fat, sage cow.

Laktalquart created energy eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Laktalquart, it will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Laktalquart, it will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Laktalquart's most sacred site is Denshawai in Egypt.

Laktalquart's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

2. Hide if seven ducks approach from the west.

3. Do not wear nickel on your body.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Laktalquart.

5. Do not take Laktalquart's name in vain.