Ontjenton is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, two-faced snail.

Ontjenton created the Small Magellanic Cloud four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ontjenton, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Ontjenton, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Ontjenton's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Ontjenton's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray immersed in water.

2. Paint representations of moons on the walls of your dwelling place in brown.

3. Show mercy to disobedient children.

4. Do not drink water in gray rooms.

5. Do not wear magenta clothing.