Zakwipominjin is a god.

She takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, capable narwhal.

Zakwipominjin created the planet Saturn seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Zakwipominjin, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Zakwipominjin, she will ignore you.

Zakwipominjin's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Zakwipominjin's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Hamsters are not to be trusted.

3. Porpoises are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Never wear pink scarves.

5. Respect your elders.