Gartofvegged Bessaszim is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, tiresome meerkat.

Gartofvegged Bessaszim created the Cigar Galaxy two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gartofvegged Bessaszim, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Gartofvegged Bessaszim, he will destroy your favourite planet.

Gartofvegged Bessaszim's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Gartofvegged Bessaszim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Gartofvegged Bessaszim.

3. Never talk about gravity near badgers while wearing gray hats and balancing five aluminium spheres on your chest.

4. Worship no other gods but Gartofvegged Bessaszim.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.