Haktoflig is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, self-assured meerkat.

Haktoflig created Europe seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Haktoflig, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Haktoflig, she will jump up and down on your head.

Haktoflig's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Haktoflig's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least seven thousand metres per day.

2. Respect your elders.

3. Never mention grasshopers.

4. Never look at dwarf planets.

5. Retreat if eight ducks approach from the west.