Vantalmet is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, omniscient alligator.

Vantalmet created Africa five billion years ago.

If you believe in Vantalmet, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Vantalmet, he will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Vantalmet's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Vantalmet's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Vantalmet.

2. You must never eat gooseberries.

3. Never think about quantum field theory.

4. Do not drink water in white rooms.

5. Do not dye your hair green.