Arpnegpitnakbeggil Yartxemton is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, thoughtless dove.

Arpnegpitnakbeggil Yartxemton created matter three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Arpnegpitnakbeggil Yartxemton, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Arpnegpitnakbeggil Yartxemton, she will turn you into a worm.

Arpnegpitnakbeggil Yartxemton's most sacred site is Temmes in Finland.

Arpnegpitnakbeggil Yartxemton's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate pigs.

2. Never think about special relativity near dogs while wearing turquoise kilts and balancing six silver spheres on your chest.

3. Show mercy to disobedient children.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.