Futcuss is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, sage shark.

Futcuss created snails seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Futcuss, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Futcuss, she will turn you into a mole.

Futcuss' most sacred site is Karikalampakkam in India.

Futcuss' Holy Commandments

1. Put Futcuss first in all things.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Do not wear aluminium on your body.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Futcuss.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of titanium.