Catlarnpin is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, generous dryad.

Catlarnpin created the Sol system six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Catlarnpin, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Catlarnpin, he will jump up and down on your head.

Catlarnpin's most sacred site is Nakke in Denmark.

Catlarnpin's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about quantum mechanics near snails while wearing violet jumpers and balancing seven nickel spheres on your hands.

2. Catlarnpin loves badgers, so they must be honoured.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Do not dye your hair magenta.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Catlarnpin.