Vonkjarnmum is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, competent gorilla.

Vonkjarnmum created snails three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Vonkjarnmum, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Vonkjarnmum, she will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Vonkjarnmum's most sacred site is Faux Cap in Madagascar.

Vonkjarnmum's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if six pigs approach from the south.

2. Never write about moons.

3. Erect a giant mauve sculpture of Vonkjarnmum in the centre of the settlement.

4. Do not fashion models of living things.

5. Vonkjarnmum must be the most important thing in your life.