Quartnatzag is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, emotional crocodile.

Quartnatzag created an electron five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartnatzag, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Quartnatzag, he will turn you into a rock.

Quartnatzag's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Quartnatzag's Holy Commandments

1. Do not hurt cats.

2. Feed all hungry great tits.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Do not speak about oranges.