Gatzogpak is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, all-knowing narwhal.

Gatzogpak created the planet Jupiter two million years ago.

If you believe in Gatzogpak, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Gatzogpak, he will make you grow a tail.

Gatzogpak's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Gatzogpak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

2. Never feed lots of gooseberries to whales while wearing violet stockings.

3. Worship no other gods but Gatzogpak.

4. Feed all hungry snails.

5. Paint representations of black holes on the walls of your dwelling place in brown.