Wankaptarp is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, all-knowing pig.

Wankaptarp created carbon seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Wankaptarp, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Wankaptarp, she will turn you into a small brown duck.

Wankaptarp's most sacred site is Úbeda in Spain.

Wankaptarp's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if nine monkeys approach from the east.

2. Never think ill of sick squirrels.

3. Always treat ants with great respect.

4. Run away from orange nematodes, for they are unholy.

5. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.