Tarnakpon is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, loving walrus.

Tarnakpon created water four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarnakpon, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Tarnakpon, she will not invite you to parties.

Tarnakpon's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Tarnakpon's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear fawn clothing.

2. Never talk about quantum gravity.

3. Do not speak about lentils.

4. Always make sure there are no mites in a room before entering it.

5. Always obey Tarnakpon's priests.