Loopzogjarn is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, boastful cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Loopzogjarn created the cosmos six million years ago.

If you believe in Loopzogjarn, he will not care.

If you do not believe in Loopzogjarn, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Loopzogjarn's most sacred site is Brancion in France.

Loopzogjarn's Holy Commandments

1. You must pray to Loopzogjarn seven times a day.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Erect nine silicon sculptures of Loopzogjarn on top of important buildings.

4. Never think about amino acids.

5. Feed all hungry foxes.