Xuctarvag is a god.

She takes the form of a huge, charitable mink.

Xuctarvag created the cosmos seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Xuctarvag, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Xuctarvag, she will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Xuctarvag's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Xuctarvag's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sharks in need.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Never feed grapes to hamsters while wearing dresses.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.