Fumteenweg is a god.

She takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, temperamental bat.

Fumteenweg created an up quark two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Fumteenweg, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Fumteenweg, she will ignore you and hope you go away.

Fumteenweg's most sacred site is Meidrim in Wales.

Fumteenweg's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fluid mechanics near grasshopers while wearing mauve jumpers.

2. Always help voles in need.

3. Never think about dark energy near mites while wearing magenta shorts and balancing six silver spheres on your back.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Never play with disobedient children.