Tagquatfar is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, emotional shrew.

Tagquatfar created gold eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tagquatfar, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Tagquatfar, he will turn you into a giant slug.

Tagquatfar's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Tagquatfar's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if seven sharks approach from the west.

2. Tagquatfar must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Erect a giant violet sculpture of Tagquatfar in the centre of the settlement.

4. Never look at dwarf planets.

5. Learn six new languages a year.