Fitlamlat is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely large, thoughtless newt.

Fitlamlat created matter seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Fitlamlat, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Fitlamlat, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Fitlamlat's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Fitlamlat's Holy Commandments

1. Always look after injured swans.

2. Always make sure there are no ducks in a building before entering it.

3. Always obey Fitlamlat's priests.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate horses.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.